*Trigger Warning: Miscarriage*
Disclaimer: This is strictly my experience with miscarriage. I am not providing medical information or advice. If you have medical concerns please contact your doctor.
Yesterday was October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant/child Loss Awareness Day. I’m late to the show as always. Today I’m going to tell you my story.
In March of 2015 my husband and I found out that we were expecting our 3rd child. We had decided we were finished having kids after our second child was born but, people plan, and fate laughs. Despite being and unintended pregnancy we were happy. Being parents was the journey we chose in life so we welcomed this pregnancy with open arms. At our first ultrasound we were dealt a second shock. We weren’t expecting a 3rd child, but a 4th as well. We were having naturally conceived twins.
I can’t begin to convey the joy and shock we felt. We happily announced the news to our family and friends over Facebook.
I was warned by my doctors that with a twin pregnancy that I will experience twice the symptoms. For example I would have twice the nausea. Which I did.
The nausea was unreal and there are no words to describe it. But, I took it in stride. I heard my grandmother’s voice telling me that “a sick momma means a healthy baby.”
It was these words that caused me to have concern when my symptoms vanished around 12 weeks gestation. Being the worrier I am, I called my OB’s office convinced something was wrong. The nurse who took my call tried to soothe my fears by saying that I was entering my second trimester, so it’s normal for my symptoms to decrease. She got me in that afternoon just to be safe.
The wait was terrible. I sat in the waiting room watching happy couples go in and out. Their faces filled with the joy that comes with growing a life. After what seemed like an eternity my name was called. My OB had me lay on the exam table while another doctor wheeled in a bedside ultrasound machine.
I stared up at the ceiling while the doctor watched the screen of the ultrasound machine in silence. Finally, he spoke.
“I can only find one baby.”
He then explained that what had happened was a common condition called “Vanishing Twin Syndrome” or VTS. What happens is that one twin literally vanishes. The baby had stopped developing and had absorbed into the placenta. He spent a couple of minutes checking out the remaining baby and assured me that she was healthy with a strong heartbeat. My OB comforted me after the other doctor left, she told me that it was ok to be sad and to let myself cry. Here’s my confession: I have never actually let myself cry about my loss.
I didn’t want to announce that we had lost the twin. Of course we had to tell people eventually. When the information came out my inbox became flooded with “condolences”.
“It’s for the best, you can’t afford twins anyway.” (yes, that was actually said to me)
“It could be worse, the baby could have died after it was born.”
“You’re lucky that it happened early”
What part of losing my baby makes me lucky? I have to go the rest of my life knowing this baby will never have a name, I won’t know if he had his father’s eyes, or my smile. My daughter has to grow up with out her twin, which is a bond unlike any other. My older kids will never know their sibling. I have to live every day with a hole in my heart that will never be filled.
The fact that people had the audacity to tell me it was for the best is one of the reasons why I don’t talk about it. People felt like I had enough kids so it’s okay for them to say things like miscarriage is for the best. But, I’m talking about it now, and so should you.
Don’t stay silent to keep others comfortable. You are not alone in your loss, I’m here beside you and so are many others. Lets raise each other up in love.
I love you all,
Sarah aka The Lazy Housewife