I refuse to hide the fact I struggle with mental illness. Family and friends treat it like a shame but, still I keep talking about it. I’ve tried multiple medications, lots of therapy, tried diet, exercise, religion, meditation, the list goes on and on.
At this moment, I feel as I’ve gone as low as I can go. My homesteading attempt has stalled, my weight has skyrocketed, the blog is stagnant and my relationships are strained. The dark thoughts have begun. “My kids would be happier without me,” “My husband deserves better,” “I’m ready to leave this world.”
Accompanying the darkness is the physical manifestation. Headaches, lethargy, chest pain, I feel as if I can’t breathe, my whole body hurts…. I feel as if there is a war raging inside. Myself versus my illness. Reason tells me I have every reason to keep going, that my ideas are great, that my husband and family need me….. But, my reason is tired, it struggles to speak over the roar of the darkness.
The only thing I can do is to trust my doctors, medication, and myself. I’m trying to occupy my time with the coming celebration. Imbolc is next week, I plan to pray to Brigid to help my mind and body heal. Along with prayer, I plan to bless my seeds for the coming spring, and prepare a modest dinner to observe the day. Imbolc is a muted holiday, a time for introspection and meditation, it’s a welcome relief to the hustle and bustle of Yule and Christmas. Along with lots of prayer I will be forcing myself to focus on the projects that lay ahead of me for my homestead.
We will be remodeling our coop again to make room for our flock expansion. We plan to add Turkeys and ducks, my son wants Guinea hens too, I’m not sure about that one yet.
My point to this post is that, I want you to keep fighting. Fight through the dark days and the struggles. I’m pushing through, for my family, for myself and for you too. You matter.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Call 1-800-273-8255 or Text “GO” to 741741.